This is long overdue.
Like, embarrassingly, awkwardly, uncomfortably overdue. It’s been almost three months since I returned from the Whirlwind that was spring break, and it’s been almost two months since I arrived back in the States. And this platform has been sitting in the back of mind the whole time, reminding me that I dropped the blog like a hot potato during my last few weeks in Cardiff (and have been casually ignoring it since I’ve been stateside).
At first, I wasn’t entirely sure why I suddenly lacked any enthusiasm for this process. I like to write, I took pictures nearly every day that I thought others might enjoy, and I wasn’t for lack of adventures – in my last few weeks, I met my parents for a jaunt across London and Dublin, had a truly Beatlemania experience with my friend Emma in Liverpool, and experienced all the sheep, castles, and lashing rain that the Welsh coast have to offer.
I’d loads of special moments I could have shared, but for some reason, I just didn’t. And then it occurred to me that there was one thought niggling at the back of my brain, a thought that I knew was true but had been conveniently ignoring:
My memories were already starting to slip away, like the rocky sand of Southerndown through my fingers. As I looked back through photos of my time abroad, even before I had left, I was shocked by moments I had already forgotten – and those were the ones I had captured in pictures. What about the myriad experiences where I hadn’t given my camera a second thought, the ones that I thought would be purer without the flash and the sound of the shutter closing? How many of those had already fallen through the cracks in my mind, unlikely to ever be found again?
It scared me.
So, I think some part of me subconsciously decided that putting memories into words was like opening a Pandora’s Box, of sorts – as if the moment I cracked open the lid to share with others, pieces would fly out, never to be recovered. Something inside of me decided to shut the lid firmly, add a few nails for good measure, and call it a day. And yes, the end of my time in Cardiff was busy, as were my first few weeks back home in NJ (I’m still very proud of the fact that I managed to mostly skip jet lag). But they weren’t quite busy enough to actually justify putting off a blog post for what, two months?
The more I put it off, though, the more awkward it was to try to pick it back up again. I’ve tried starting to write this post almost weekly, but the words never quite came out right.
My perspective shift came with a conversation a few weeks ago. A friend of mine who is a beautiful crafter of words and conveyor of feelings (love you, C!) had also recently been traveling and was in a similar boat of trying to figure out the best way to hold moments and emotions dear in a world where they are often fleeting. She asked me, rather rhetorically, “…if our memories that we choose to keep to ourselves become more real than the ones we give away.” And I didn’t have an answer for that, aside from a slightly selfish realization that trying to hold onto all of my memories is like trying to hold onto an entire beach’s worth of sand with only my two hands, refusing the help of someone with open hands mirroring mine.
Every time I share a memory with someone, I cling to hope that it becomes slightly more real, living on in the mind of another who can catch some of the sand as it falls through my fingers. And so I lifted the lid off of my Pandora’s Box of memories, allowing them to venture out and hoping that some would return to me.
Yet I still wasn’t feeling entirely settled, and I still didn’t want to write this post. But why?
I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because on some level, my time in Wales almost feels like it wasn’t real. No matter how many souvenirs I have in my bedroom, how many pictures live in my phone, or how many conversations I have with living, breathing people across the Pond, there is a part of me that has to wake up every morning and remind myself that yes, I did spend five months of my life living in the UK.
I’ve never really experienced that before in regards to an entire season of life. Sure, there are great days and fun adventures and unforgettable experiences that have caused me to wonder how they could have been real… but never if they were real. And though writing about Cardiff and my time abroad should have made it feel more tangible, more concrete, it somehow made it less so. It felt increasingly like a yarn I was spinning around a campfire, or a bedtime story I was telling to a young child – the fantastical adventure of Annie, the wanderlust-filled homebody.
Obviously, I know I went to Wales. And I know that I’m recounting true (if maybe a little embellished, sue me) stories in these posts. But for some reason, writing what I considered to be The Final Chapter of this blog gave weight to the reality that I’m back, and my time there is over, and I don’t know when (or if) I’ll be back again.
(I definitely don’t Google cheap flights from Boston to Heathrow in my spare time. Definitely not.)
Even though I know it won’t make my experiences any less real or valid, wrapping up this blog feels like Something Big, like Closure, like The End. And though I acknowledge that I’m moving out of one season of life and into a new one, giving this blog an ending feels like a very hard line.
Transitions are never as simple as crossing from one side of a line to the other. They’re messy and scattered and sometimes you have to cross back and forth a few times or even just be patient and sit in it for a while.
(Sitting in the Sand, maybe?)
So I’ve decided to keep this platform alive a little longer. I’ll use it when I feel compelled to share bits and bobs from my travels, passing pictures and emotions onto whoever cares to read them and trusting that they live a little bit longer than they will in my fickle, overfilled mind. I have a few posts in mind, mostly collections of my favorite pieces of Cardiff or things that I looked for as I absorbed the universal experiences that connect humans of different cultures (Jamila lost count of the number of times I stopped dead in my tracks to take photos of another window shutter, or gate, or tiny enchanting normalcy).
And even still, I don’t think there will ever be a formal conclusive post of Annie Actually. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of this, it’s that sometimes you have to move forward while holding tight to the promise of a return.
Cheers!











































































































































































































































